Lay lady lay
[Most Recent Entries]
[Calendar View]
[Friends]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
r8chullistight's LiveJournal:
[ << Previous 20 ]
| Wednesday, June 30th, 2004 | | 12:46 am |
This is such a weird feeling. More than anything ever in the entire world, I miss the soul. John asked me if I could have anything in the world right now what would it be, and I said honestly, for things to just be good and secure and how they used to be with the soul, even if that means I have to be a little more naive. I think what I miss the most is the lazy afternoons at Psalm's watching movies and eating and gossiping. akjfakljf this is so weird. Anyways, so basically I don't really have any secure girlfriends except for one in NY and it's the weirdest feeling on the planet because I've ALWAYS had secure girlfriends. Now that the one and only has decided to come crawling back, I'm of course left in the dust and as for the fourth quarter, there's too much to write. I thought about ways to fix it and help things go back so we could have our lazy afternoons back, but I don't think I can do anything. All I can do is what I need to do for myself, and I just hope my friends do what they should do for themselves. That could help everthing a lot. Anyways I'm fucking falling asleep, so whoever is reading this, I'm sure I miss you in some way, and I probably love you in some way. Maybe I REALLY hate you | | Sunday, June 27th, 2004 | | 11:56 pm |
I can't tell if I'm really depressed or just really growing(not physically). That's so weird. I'm figuring out a lot about myself but I'm losing it so much when it comes to people. Like, I really don't feel like there is one person I have that I am just really really comfortable with and like really connect with. I really wish Kylie didn't live in fucking New York. UGGGGH. I'm also realizing how rare it is to find a guy who just makes everything seem exciting. Ugh I don't know, just the thought of a relationship seems so boring, but maybe I just haven't met a guy who gets me like that yet. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM SO LOST AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF. I just want to spend all my time in the city and meet some new cool people. But right now I don't even like people. wtf | | Saturday, June 19th, 2004 | | 12:06 am |
this is MY united states of whatevA
I'm perfectly fine until all of this stuff about him starts coming up. I can't even picture what he looks like, and I think I need to figure out what's really bothering me so it never happens again. This music also makes me nastalgic. FUCK THIS, wuteva. Current Mood:  crushedCurrent Music: usher-burn | | Thursday, June 10th, 2004 | | 1:35 pm |
| | Monday, June 7th, 2004 | | 1:54 pm |
Thanks carrissa:-D
| r8chullistight's LJ stalker is ganjaisgone! | | ganjaisgone is stalking you because they saw your picture and fell in love.. They are also slowly poisoning you! |
| | Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004 | | 3:01 pm |
most personal entry ever
So right now I feel like it’s the end of the world and nothing will ever get better and I wish I was dead. But luckily (for some people) I’m like .23098398% less impulsive than I used to be and I now think more than twice about suicide. And when I start thinking, the guilt settles in and I could never do it. I have fucked up SO much this year. I’m so thankful for my parents. Honestly, I don’t know how they do it. Like, how they don’t give up on me, or even come slightly close to it or consider it as an option. I take them for granted. They have stuck by me and tried to help me through sos much, and all I’ve done is made their lives a living hell for the past year. I’ve seen my mom cry more this year than in my entire life, and to know I’m the reason behind all of it is terrible. She just like…broke down sobbing last night so many times, and that’s the worst I’ve ever felt. Not only about that, but about everything. I mean, a YEAR. That’s crazy. I should have learned by now that I need to stop screwing up. My parents have such a better understanding of me. I’ve learned how to talk to them more, and they’ve learned how to really listen. I feel so terrible for everything. My parents also have made it clear that there needs to be a change in the people I hang out with. And surprisingly, I couldn’t agree more. I’m not saying that all of my friends are out of the picture, but there are some major changes that need to be made. I need to start making the right decisions and fucking get myself together. I mean, just this weekend when I was hanging out with Joyce (and Spady and John) it was totally innocent and chill and fuuun. Like, I didn’t have to feel guilty or uncomfortable or anything. I need more positive influences in my life, and the majority of them I’ve steered away from. And I miss them. I actually really feel the need to get away, and I mostly more than anything feel the need to get fucking better. Like, at this point I have done so much, I don’t know what else is left. But I would do anything to be on the right track. I still haven’t decided if I just wasted a year of my life or if these experiences are just here to teach me something. But whatever one it is, I’m sorry for all of it. Once the school year starts I’m going to do that film program that I’ve been wanting to do for a while. I didn’t do it before because it takes up lots of weekend time. Good. I need to meet some new people and put myself into something that I love. As of everything that’s ahead of me, I’m scared. Really scared, and even though when I think about it I can’t think of anything I’d want more than to just disappear, at this point I think I can handle it. | | Tuesday, June 1st, 2004 | | 8:28 pm |
| | Wednesday, May 26th, 2004 | | 9:46 pm |
fuk guyz 4lyf
He's making me sad tonight, like way too many other nights. Just thinking about him, or hearing what he has to say, even though it's dumbly worded it means something. And sometimes it makes me cry and sometimes it makes me laugh and sometimes it aggrivates me or embarrasses me because how did I ever let somebody this dumb effect me like this? It makes me sad to see him sad and to see him doing such stupid things and then it just makes me sad to look at every stupid thing that has happened and that I have let happen. I'm feeling cynical about my future (regarding love) right now. PISS OFF:( | | Sunday, May 23rd, 2004 | | 10:18 am |
I had a fun night last night. I love my friends. I hate that some of them are fighting and we can't all hang out together:( BUT it was fun seeing them in shifts, even if I DID only see Joyce and Spady and Carissa for like 10 minutes. It was weird only seeing Joyce for that long in the night....wutever But yeah...all I can say is... HERMAPHRODITE!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg and Haily isn't hot. GET OVER IT!!!!!! hahahaha. we are sooooo easily amused. carlmont yearbook FO SHOOOOOOOO. | | Tuesday, May 18th, 2004 | | 7:51 pm |
I'm only a woman of flesh and bone an i wept much we all do i thought i might die alone but i have never never never never never never never never never never never met you so baby be good to me i got nothing to give you you see except everything everything everything everything all the good and the bad cause i've been bad i've lied, cheated, stolen and been ungrateful for what i had and i'm afraid habits rule my waking life i'm scared and i'm runnin' in my sleep for you but all the oceans, and rivers and showers will wash it all away and make me clean for you cause i have never never never never never never never never never never never met you so lets take a lone out put it down on a house in a place we've never lived in a place that exists in the pages of scripts and the songs that they sing and all of the beautiful things that make you weep but don't have to make you weak cause i've never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never loved someone the way that i loved you | | Sunday, May 16th, 2004 | | 2:08 pm |
fuck fuck fuck, mother mother fuck, mother mother fuck fuck
Yeah I was fucking stupid, and I am so so sorry to all my friends that had a shitty night because of it. I love you guys so much, and I'd do anything for you. I really learned a lot last night. Alcohol poisening SUCKS. I AM NOT DRINKING ANYMORE, LESSON LEARNED. this feeling SUCKS, and you know what? I think it's kindof a good thing. It's sad that I needed this much to open my damn eyes about it, but I guess I did. I deserve this, just for what I put my friends and family through and everything. Thanks especially to Stef, Mambo, and Dylan...you guys are great friends and it was really great to hear you came last night. And thanks Joyce for driving everyone around. I LOVE YOU ALLLLLLLLL | | Tuesday, May 11th, 2004 | | 3:51 pm |
poo
Ignorance is truly bliss... I can't choose if I'd rather be depressed. | | Saturday, May 8th, 2004 | | 9:46 am |
so...16...I am now officially capable of getting my license. I SUCK SO BAD FOR BEING LAZY!!!! Sorry friends:( I can tell though, just from their excitment and planning that I have THE BEST FRIENDS EVER. D.D.-we miss you, and I hope you feel better soon baby!!! FUCK MONO! | | Thursday, May 6th, 2004 | | 10:49 pm |
I wish that I could laugh more. I wish that i could find hella stupid shit hilarious, then i'd be the happiest person ever since like...99% of everything in the world is stupid shit. Someone give me laughing pills!! wuteva, i just feel like a zombie these days, but I think i just needa get out more. Well, now I can because I'm not grounded!! YAY! And another thing I could be happy about is my SMART fucking friends made my spanish project work! GOOD JOB GIRLS:-D This is where I want to be:  actually it's just sortof an idea of where I would love to be. I randomly stumbled across this picture, and I thought it was necessary to share it with all of you lovelies. But uhh...sorry to the random person I took it from...haha I don't remember where I found it, I just saved it to my computer. THANKS I LOVE YOU ALL | | 10:17 am |
So far, today has been the worst day ever. I went to school, and I was like, 5 minutes late, and i was fuckin idiodic and i freaked out and i didn't want to go to geometry late with out a pass, so i decided to turn in some spanish stuff and see if srta.george would give me a pass. of course george is just a bitch to me and wont give me a pass. so by now im hellof late and i was flipping out and i got to my geometry class and ms.mcguiness had it all closed up so i assumed they were testing and i got too scared to walk in like 15 minutes late. so i went through my spanish shit and then just decided to skip 1st which was going to be a pain in my ass because it's 100 minutes. plus i just hate cutting and i feel like shit about it because i have a bad enough grade in that class as it is. so while im walking to the center i decide to just walk home and take the day off. then i get home and find out the entire spanish project is fucking due today and my group didnt do shit. fuckkkkkkk. I HATE TODAY. hopefully it will get better. plus i think my shoes gave me blisters. | | Wednesday, May 5th, 2004 | | 3:13 pm |
travellin down the parth to obesity...
OH MAN FUCK GEOMETRY IT'S RUINING MY LIFE I HATE IT FOREVER I ALSO HATE THE GOD DAMNED SCHAEFFER METHOD THANK YOU AND GOOBYE. p.s.-im not feeling so serene anymore thanks to school. | | Tuesday, May 4th, 2004 | | 4:32 pm |
People are ridiculous. There are SO few people who know what I'm really like. I hate boys. I still feel like I'm on drugs. I wrote Myles a note today during 6th period hahahah it's funny, I reminded him of all the fucked up things he's done to me and reminded him that he owes me $40. I had to SERIOUSLY hold back tears when we were watching The Mighty and I felt like a sappy retard. WUTEVA kieran culkin plays Freak, he's always been a hot witty character...TALENT. Thesee 100 minute periods and block scheduling are about to start giving me panic attacks. Actually no, I like it, just minus the last period. GEOMETRY CAN KISS MY ASS. There are so many movies I need to see, I don't have the money for this. Ohh man, also I concluded something reallly freaky. I like Lindsey Lohan MORE than Hilary Duff!!! I KNOWWWWWW!!!!! I think Duff was a temporary obsession, but Lindsey Lohan knows how to work it for reals...so I choose her. I think it's funny when people think their deep and artsy and intellectual and elite. Chances are, YOU'RE NOT. So give it up, it's fucking annoying. hahaa "I don't give a fuck...FUCKING CUNTHEAD" hahaha Psalm, that was classic...Srta.George is a fuckin douche. YOu inspired a movie though, i love you. I love my friends, i have the best ones in the world. | | Saturday, May 1st, 2004 | | 10:43 pm |
parkins and lil bird in tha house
PSALM AND JENNA CAME OVER! We perfected what should have taken years of military training on our first try. Amazing. Together...we WORK IT. Stefi=dumb for forgetting my parents left. I had fun in our 30 minutes of making chicken nuggets, thinking up plans, freaking out, and watching Party Monster: the Shockumentary. I miss them!!! I'm so happy this is the last weekend of groundation, soon freedom will ring! whooooo | | 8:37 pm |
the sky was gold, it was rose, i was takin tips of it through my nose
Tonight I was walking around the house and I noticed that the sun was setting, so I ran outside to get a good view, and the best view ended up being right at my door. So I'm standing there, outside of my door on that little step thing, just watching it, and I suddenly felt just...insecure. There was no one there to lean back into. And then I looked behind me, and I had shut the door. So I leaned back against the door and enjoyed the sunset and realized that I'm fine, and for now, a door is a lot less stressful than a bunch of boys I'm not sure if I even care about. I need to get out of here. And by here I mean this house. And by this house I mean Belmont. And by Belmont, I actually mean anywhere really shitty. Even if it's just for a weekend. I want to start developing my own pictures. Listening to Third Eye Blind makes me so happy. This is the last weekend of groundation. Next Saturday I'm 16. I love my friends. | | 3:22 pm |
i want to go to a redwood forest and lie on my back a take a roll of pictures. |
[ << Previous 20 ]
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
r8chullistight's journal